August 2002

My mother's death is still affecting me. I am going through the "would of, should of, could of's," and regretting some of this things I did or didn't do. Right now I am feeling guilty about going on the walk. My mother asked me to come to visit her several times before I finally went out to see her. Each time she asked I said I did not have the money to come out and that I would try to visit later. I did not want to go because of what was going on between her and my brother. It was hard to handle it from 1,200 miles away and the last thing I wanted was to be right in the middle of it. Then the walk came up and I had to tell her that I was going to Spain instead of coming to see her. She said she understood but I could feel that she was angry about it. I know I cannot change anything but, just the same, I can't seem to get past the guilt.

There is a Metaphysical Fair at the end of the month so I call my sister in Denver and ask if she would like to go. She says yes. We talk about the fair a little and then she tells me objects seem to be moving around in her house. I tell her it sounds like Mom is living with her now. We both laugh. I ask her if we should try and contact Mom at the Fair and she eagerly says yes. I tell her I will see her next weekend and hang up.

When we arrive at the fair the first thing we do is look for LL. When we find her we ask if she can help us talk to our mother. She says yes so we sign up for a reading in the afternoon. Later after eating lunch and wandering around the booths we make our way back to LL's table and sit down. I tell her what has been going on and how it has upset me. To make me feel more comfortable she tells us about the first time her grandfather contacted her after he died and how upsetting that was for her. For some reason this does calm me and we begin.

LL tells us Mom is here with her angels and that Mom's angels want me to know that they are the ones who sent me on my walk. They did this because they wanted me to be prepared to hear my mother, to see here, and to not be afraid. They also want me to know that at times on my walk I reached a "spiritual depth." Then LL tells us that when Mom died she did not feel done with her life. When she was a kid she thought 70 was old and believed she was going to die at that age but in her 70's she realized it wasn't old. When she realized she was dying she did not want to leave so soon. Dying left her feeling unfinished with her life. LL then says Mom has a female guide with her to help her to communicate with us. She says Mom wants the two of us (my sister and I) to get journals and write to her every day for three months and that she will write back. She says Mom uses the photo of the Virgin Mary statute I took in Spain to meditate on.

I ask if Mom is mad at me for going to Spain instead of visiting her and LL says, "she doesn't care." My sister and I laugh because LL says this with the same vocal inflections of our mother along with the same facial expression and hand gestures our mother used whenever she used the phrase, "I don't care." Then LL tells us Mom wasn't mad at me for going on the walk but jealous because I got to go and she didn't. LL pauses for a minute listening to something we cannot hear and then says, "Ahhh, Your mother is going to do the walk herself." That when she does the walk she will do the "hard path" and walking it as a "multi-dimensional being." She will be doing these walks for the next three years.

LL then tells us that on the Camino people always report seeing spirit beings and angels walking alone. When Mom does the walk she is going to be with another spirit and people will see them. They will be doing the walk with a group of people and these people will think Mom and the other spirit are real people. Then later during the walk Mom and this other spirit will help these people as angels. Mom is doing the walk for her own spiritual growth, to offer healing for her life. Mom is sorry for some of the horrible things she did to us. She is going on the walk to suffer. Not to suffer in the way we think suffering is but a healing suffering "like lighting a candle but not putting your finger in it." She will do the walk five times because there are thing in her live time that she needs to "light the candle and burn the paper."

At this point my sister tells LL that our mother had five children. Of course, one walk for each of us. LL then says our mother gave each of her children five different lives. We each got a different part of her. My sister asks if Mom is going to help five different people in the different ways she could have helped her children, if she had been able to when she was alive. LL says yes. There is another pause then LL says my mother is telling her that I was a gift to her by going on the walk. By me going on the walk I gave my mother permission to do what she needs to do. Mom says not to feel guilty for anything because if we do not feel guilty, it will help her not to feel guilty. Our mother wants to be a good mother and help us from the other side in the way she was not able to do in life.

LL asks us if there is anything else we want to know and I ask if Mom understands that we always loved her, no matter what she did or didn't do. LL says yes and that our mother wants us to know she loves us very much too. Then it is over and Mom is gone.

During the reading the rest of the world had faded away and now I hear the noise of the crowds surrounding us. I am exhausted because of the emotional roller coaster I have been on. What I heard either delighted me, or surprised me, or gave me a sense of relief. I am delighted that Mom is going to do the walk. I am surprised by it too. I am relieved that she is not angry with me for going on the walk. It makes sense that she was jealous because she always hated being left behind. Well, Mom, you are leading the way now.

That night at my sister's house she and I talk about Mom and the days events. We are glad we did this and feel a lot better about our mother's death . I realize now that my mother is not really gone but just in another room that I cannot enter yet. This thought comforts me. We talk about Mom doing the walk and I tell her the story of the Glowing Man. She says she thinks the man was walking with a spirit, maybe someone who had not finished the walk in life. Then she says this is the first time I have talked about my trip. I nod. I think today was a healing experience for me. That is why the walk is no longer in a black hole deep inside me. It has been released and I am now able to talk about it. I remember when I saw LL back in March she told me that I should write about the walk but I brushed the suggestion off. I knew I could not do it at that time. Now, I think I can write about it. Well.....not right now. Maybe sometime in the future.