Saturday, July 19, 2003

June/July 2002

June is a hard month because the 5th is my mother's birthday. Her death is still fresh and most of the time I forget she is gone. Then, unexpectedly, something will make me think of her and I remember she is no longer here. This knowledge hits me like an ice-cold bucket of water and each time I take a deep quick breath of shock. But on the 5th I remember she is dead and I ache to call her on the phone, wish her a happy birthday, and hear her voice.

The towel stays on the microwave each night but other strange things are happening. Someone is waking me up in the middle of the night. Twice it has happened while I am lying on my side with my left are stretched out off the bed. Very firmly, someone taps me twice on my inner forearm. Each time I instantly wake up and think of my 12-year-old niece. One morning I am so tired that after my husband gets out of bed I start drifting back to sleep. Someone taps me on the top of my right shoulder while I am lying on my back; again I wake up instantly. I look over at my husband's side of the bed and find it empty. At the same time I hear my husband opening the garage door at the back of the house.

Then there are the times someone calls my name. Each time this happens I am in bed and just drifting off when I clearly hear someone say my name. Each time I feel the person calling me is standing right beside me with their lips just inches from my ear. One night when I hear the voice I think of my sister in Denver and the next morning I call her to see if she is all right.

Each time something happens I am mildly surprised by the fact that I am not afraid. What is happening is not normal but it just doesn't seem to scare me.

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