November 2002

I've seemed to open a door I now cannot close. I'm getting that cramped feeling in my hand through out the day. Some times I find a pen and a piece of paper and let whoever is trying to contact me start writing. Most of the time the pen just draws a circle or makes long connected lines. Now I am getting scribbles and loops. A few times I get the lazy eight figure which I now see is shaped more like the symbol for infinity. Whenever I start drawing the infinity symbol I deliberately pull the pen away from the paper and then put them both away.

I can feel two different kinds of pressure on my hand now, one that squeezes to hard and one that has a lighter touch. The first one draws the infinity symbol and the second one draws the lines and scribbles. I have decided to ignore the cramped feeling if I have not initiated the communication by writing my mother a letter.

One day I write my letter and then start my mother's letter, including the phrase, "This is what I want to share with you," as usually. The pen moves across the paper making long curved lines. After the completion of each line the pressure in my hand goes away until I move the pen to a different section of the paper. Each time this happens I put the pen tip back down on the paper and watch as another line is drawn. After three lines the pressure goes away and I move the pen to the bottom of the paper and write, "I love you, Mom," finishing my mother's letter. When I am done writing these words I feel the pressure in my hand again and put the pen point back down on the paper. It starts drawing a line up the paper that stops under the words I have written on the top. The pressure disappears and I start moving the pen around over the paper and the pressure returns when I have the pen near the top of the page so I drop the point down onto the paper. This time a short line is drawn up to the words above and the pressure goes away. I pick up the pen and move it around. Near the center of the paper the pressure returns and I drop the point and watch as the pen makes a curved line that heads down to the bottom of the paper and stops at the letter "O" in the word "Mom" After this I move the pen over every section of the paper but the pressure does not return.

I have drawn three lines and it takes me a minute to see what they mean. One line stops at the word "you" in the phrase, "This is what I want to share with you." The second line point as the word "with." The third line points at the word "Mom." I have a message. It reads, "With you, Mom." I start crying. I am shocked and at the same time relieved by this message. My mother is gone but at the same time still with me. For some reason this thought makes me miss her even more. I cry for a long time.

Although I try to contact my mother the rest of the month, nothing happens. I think this is because (even though I want to contact her) I am afraid. Since this fear is stronger that the part of me that wants to talk to her, I am unable to relax enough to connect. Or maybe I am just trying too hard. Either way, I am going to stop writing to her for now and see if this helps.


December 2002

I feel it is time to write about my walk. I know if I don't start now I will never write about it. I have told family and friends that I would write about this experience and now feel the pressure of that promise. Right now I am trying to decide what form my writing should take. Should I write it on Works and send out copies when I am finished? No, thinking about doing it that way increases the pressure I feel. Should I write a day at a time in an e-mail like I did from the road? No, I want a copy and it's too easy to loose e-mail. Then I realize the way to do both is by writing it as a blog. This way everyone can read it if/when they want to and I will have my own copy.

After checking out all the instant blog companies I pick Blogger. Their website says that you can set up a blog quickly and easily with the added advantage of not having to know anything about HTML code. Both statements turn out to be false. If you want to change the way your blog looks or do anything beyond just typing in words you have to know code. When I set up my blog and see the edit page it has a lot of instructions that make absolutely no sense to me. My reaction when I do not understand something is to get a book and learn about the subject. I do the same now. After a little reading and walking around Blogger warily, poking it with a stick now and then to make sure it can't hurt me, I start tweaking my blog and figuring out how the whole thing works. The more I play with it the more confident I get. Finally, I reach the point where I know if I mess something up I can fix it.

Time to start writing.