Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Are You Sure God Is On Your Side?

I'm sure you have read about Focus On the Family's "pray for rain" video that they uploaded to YouTube by now. What you probably don't know about is the National Day of Prayer group's Pray for Election Day campaign:
"Throughout Scripture, we see that God answers prayer and He cares about the health of nations," NDP Vice Chairman Brian Toon said. "The 'Pray for Election Day!' campaign is an effort to remind people of faith of the importance of praying for those in leadership. We are asking people to fast and pray for the upcoming state and national elections."

What exactly they are praying for can be answered by watching the two short videos placed, one at the top and one at the bottom, of the Pray for Election Day website. There is more bad juju out there than I thought.

Anyway, this "pray for our side and against others" crap got me thinking. Maybe our side, and I am always on the side that does not think God is as self-righteous and judgemental as they are, could use a hand. I figure God has a lot of prayers sent up to him everyday and that each one sent has an equal chance of being heard as every other one sent up. The problem is the number of prayers the self-righteous send up probably out number the prayers of the not so self-righteous.

So to balance things out I'm going to show all you non-self-righteous people a way for you to boost your prayers. You need a Saint and not just any Saint- the correct Saint. The one who is there to help with your specific problem. You need a Patron.

Now, for all you non-Catholics, I should point out that you don't pray to Saints you pray with them. You are asking for their help with your prayer. There are rituals connected with asking a Saint for help and I have picked the Saints that I think will be the most helpful in our situation: Saint Benedict, Saint Jude, and Saint Joseph.

Saint Benedict is the Patron Saint of Poison Suffers, including poisonous tongues. He should help with your prayer asking God to stop all the malicious lies being spread and untruths being told by some presidential and vice-presidential candidates.

What you can say to get Saint Benedict's help:
Give us the wisdom to discover
The intelligence to understand
The diligence to seek
The patience to wait
The eyes to behold
The heart to meditate
And a life to use proclaiming the truth.

Our second saint, Saint Jude, is the Patron Saint of Lost Causes/Last Resort and since the self-righteous think that their prayers are going to put John McCain into the White House and that Barack Obama doesn't have a chance, I think we non-true believers can use Saint Jude's help.

Saint Jude needs a little more effort from you before he will intercede on your behalf. First you must write down what it is you want him to help you with on a piece of paper. Then put the paper somewhere you can see it and not forget it-bathroom mirror, refrigerator, rear view mirror in your car. Every morning for nine days you must read what you wrote on the paper out loud and then say the following:
Dear Saint Jude,
Please help us with our desperate situation,
Some are using their prayers to injure others,
We need hope and confidence
That our situation can get better
Please use your infinite wisdom and mercy,
To intercede on our behalf.

Our last saint, Saint Joseph, is the Patron Saint of Real Estate Matters and he helps people to sell their houses and move on. I figure he can help counteract the prayers being sent asking God to keep the Republicans in the White House. People asking Saint Joseph for help will have to live somewhere close to Washington DC since you must visit the White House and bury a statute of Saint Joseph in the White House lawn. Remember to place him facing the White House and head down when you do so.

Saint Joseph is a pretty smart guy so the minute he sees you burying a statute of him he will know what you want. That means his request prayer is short and to the point:
Dear Saint Joseph,
Carpenter and Father
Builder and protector of homes
Help me with my request.

Now, I have heard that one lady buried her Saint Joesph statue facing away from her home and the home across the street sold instead of her own. Maybe Saint Joseph doesn't have to be buried in the White House lawn, maybe burying him somewhere else facing the White House will work too. It would also be a safer thing to do.

I'm not really sure if any of this will help but as someone once said, "All prayers are answered if we are willing to admit that sometimes the answer is no."

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