At Best, Each Of Us Is But A Breath

Bob Bixler
March 19,1921 - December 28, 2010
He loved his God, his family, dogs, horses, and life.

It Came Upon A Midnight Clear

The Man With The Corpse On His Back

Dad 8.26.26-12.16.71

(Mixed Media art by Tara Shannon)

When you die to the old life
you must bury it well
or you'll stumble on
with the corpse of your old self
strapped to your back.

Bury it well and do your grieving.
Set right what can be set right
with those you hurt
and those who hurt you.
Give up the souls you've stolen.
Reclaim what was stolen from you.
Then walk on and don't look back.

Others will dig up your corpse.
Not only enemies and abandoned lovers
but your very best friends.
They'll exhume your bag of bones
and lash it to your shoulders
to prove you haven't changed.
You'll be dragged, down and back.
You'll need a second wake,
a second burial.

The grave-robbers will come for you
again and again
to chain you to your dead self
until you are changed so utterly
you can only be seen
by those who have changed their eyes.
You'll vanish into the sunlit spaces
where those who cling
to the ghost of what you were
can't find you anymore.

Robert Moss, The Man with a Corpse on His Back

Red Light, Green Light

There are two kinds of people in the world- the ones who drive as if the traffic light ahead is always going to turn red before they get there and the ones who drive as if the light ahead is always going to be green. The green lighters know that sometimes the light will turn red but they do not let those occasional red lights affect how they drive the rest of the time. This phenomenon is also a metaphor for life. So, how do you drive through life? As if the traffic light ahead is going to stay green or expecting it to turn red?


(I know I am suppose to be on a break but some questions just cannot wait to be asked.)

Please Stand By

Be back sometime after the holidays.

Happy holidays, happy holidays
While the merry bells keep ringing
May your ev'ry wish come true

Happy holidays, happy holidays
May the calendar keep bringing
Happy holidays to you
-From Holiday Inn (1942), lyrics and music by Irving Berlin

Dream Baby

Got me dreaming sweet dreams
The whole day, through

My father-in-law has been moved into Hospice care which also means he has also been moved to the second floor of his care facility. The building is shaped like a gigantic X with the nursing stations and the dinning area set in the center and the patients rooms lining both sides of the four hallways that extend from the middle of the X. The second floor also includes the Alzheimer/dementia wing so that walking into that section of the building is, in some ways, like walking into zombie land. I've been there in the morning, at lunch time, in the afternoon, and at night. Each time I walked though the second floor doors I mentally prepare myself for what I may see or hear.

The majority of the mobile patients are in wheelchairs and some of them are always parked near the nurses stations or in the dinning area. There are four armchairs set against the wall on either side of the main doors (2 per side) and most afternoons there is a woman sitting in one of the chairs, hands covering her face, wrapped in some kind of misery that has her crying and moaning. Others patients are parked in the doorways of their rooms or near the portable nursing stations set up in the hallways. Most are either zonked out mentally or sleeping.

At first I was disturbed by the way the nurses seemed to ignore some patients but after few visits I understood that the women who called out, "Help, help, help," did so almost constantly, that the women who kept telling the nurses she was going to report them for what amounted to dereliction of duty always said that when the nurses did not do something she wanted them to do (Once when I walked past her she looked at me angrily and said she was reporting me.) and that the woman slumped in the wheelchair in the doorway of her room was there because she preferred sitting where see could see everything and everyone over lying in her own bed away from the action.

Most of the time I can keep my fears and/or empathy under control but the other day as I walked to my father-in-law's room I saw a women sitting in a wheelchair in the middle of the hall. She was facing away from me and as I got closer I could hear her talking to herself. As I passed her I looked down and saw she had her hands up near her heart and left shoulder as if she was holding a baby. Then I heard her say, "There, there, just snuggle in, everything will be alright." As she soothed a child that wasn't there, the look and smile on her face was beatific.

I love you and I’m dreaming of you
But that won’t do,
How long must I dream?

I felt my heart and resolve shatter and I hurried down the hall past my father-in-law's room to the Family Lounge and quickly sat down. I put my hands to my face trying to hold back the tears I felt welling up in my eyes. I did not want to cry because I knew once I started I would not be able to stop. After a few minutes I got up, walked over to the doorway, paused, took a deep breath, and then turned and walked into my father-in-law's room.

Guru Gumpy

-Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.


-Everyone and everything around you is your teacher.


-Life can only take place in the present moment. If we lose the present moment, we lose life.


-Never limit your view of life by any past experience.

The Universe Speaks

My horoscope today:

Gemini (May 21-June20) *** You don't need to let others know how you feel today. Your general demeanor expresses your feeling.

Which explains why my sister walked away from me yesterday after that lady spun the jewelry case out of my hand-she did not want to be there when she thought the fireworks were going to go off. I've never been good at hiding what I am thinking or feeling.

To Be Or Not To Be?

Rude, I mean. I was in the thrift store and walked up to the counter to look at the jewelry in the spinning case they keep there. There was a women already at the counter paying for some items she had picked out and when she saw me turning the case she reached out and spun it in the other direction saying there was something she wanted to look at. I stared at her in shock as she told the women behind the counter that she want to look at the gold leave pin. The saleslady gave her the pin, the rude woman paid her 75 cents for it, pick up all her purchases and walked out of the store.

Now, some things you should know; first, I have never seen this woman before, second, she had a foreign accent, and, third, she seemed to know some of the ladies behind the counter. These three things are the only reasons why I did not say to her, "Excuse me, are you always this rude?," and instead walked away. In a small town you can make enemies out of whole family depending on how you treat one member.

Later I went back and asked the women behind the counter , "You know that lady with the foreign accent who rudely spun the case out of my hand? Do you know her?"  She looked surprised and said she did not realize the women had done that but she was Russian. I'm not sure if that answer was a non sequitur or her way of explaining the woman's behavior but I left it alone.

You might think my reaction was passive but my first instinct was to slam the case to a halt and demand to know just what the hell she thought she was doing. The fact that I did not know who she was and how she was related to the other people standing around is the only reason why I did not. Later I thought that maybe she had glanced over and seen the pin as the saleslady was bagging her other purchases and before she could say anything about wanting to look at it I had walked up and turned the case. She may have thought I was being rude, it does not excuses her rudeness, it just explains it.

What would you have done?

It's Raining, It's Pouring

All night the sound had
come back again,
and again falls
this quite, persistent rain.
-Robert Creeley

The rain and the wind, the wind and the rain --
They are with us like a disease:
They worry the heart, they work the brain,
As they shoulder and clutch at the shrieking pane,
And savage the helpless trees.
-William Ernest Henley


The rain drums down like red ants,
each bouncing off my window.
The ants are in great pain
and they cry out as they hit
as if their little legs were only
stitched on and their heads pasted.
And oh they bring to mind the grave,
so humble, so willing to be beat upon
with its awful lettering and
the body lying underneath
without an umbrella.
Depression is boring, I think
and I would do better to make
some soup and light up the cave.
-Anne Sexton

Instant Karma's Gonna To Get You

I am sure you have heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, a small religious cult formed by Fred Phelps  whose membership consists of mostly his children and grandchildren. Mr. Phelps message is a message of hatred against Gays, Jews, Catholics, and any organizations, secular or nonsecular, that support the above groups.

When not protesting against organizations that support Gays his group is protesting at the funerals of soldiers who have died fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan. In Mr. Phelps twisted mind our military men are being killed by God because HE is angry at a sinful America for tolerating homosexuality. On Saturday Mr. Phelp's and his family were in McAlester, Oklahoma protesting the funeral of Army Sgt. Jason James McCluskey. When they were finished with their hate filled demonstration a little karmic payback occurred. Read the story here.

Commence Advancin'

(Laural and Hardy dance from  Way Out West (1937).  Original song, At The Ball, That's All, replaced with Santana's Oye Como Va.)


Sent to me by my sister, she knows what I like.

Things I Saw On My Morning Walks The Last Two Months

-The prairie grass glowing pinkish/red in the predawn light and the sky doing the same thing.

-A dead baby mole with human looking hands and perfectly formed fingers.

-A live baby rattlesnake with a head too large for its body. I guess all babies are born with large heads. It also had a tongue that seemed to be too big for its mouth. Maybe rattlesnakes are born with full size tongues, I don't know.

-A line of birds winging across the sky from north to south. They were spread out in a band 5 to 15 birds wide and formed a line about a half a mile long.

-A flash mob of birds that wheeled around the sky above me for three mornings. Each succeeding morning the mob got larger, morphing between the shape of a Catherine wheel and a fat comma. On the fourth morning they were gone.

-Little Sally Pumpkinhead chasing a jack rabbit right across the road in front me while yipping in glee. That rabbit was so huge it could have turned around and mugged her if it had the inclination to do so.

-The sound of a coyote howling somewhere ahead of me one morning and the sight of one moving quickly down a dry creek bed the next.

-Duke stalking a large group of feeding geese in a wheat field outside Fort Collins and then running as fast as he could at them just to watch them fly away. He did it three times and when we left each bird in the group watched him very carefully. This was amusing since feeding geese usually have only one or two birds on guard while the rest eat but Duke's behavior had them all checking to see if he was really leaving.

-Two Sunday mornings in Fort Collins a hot air balloon appeared in the sky to the south of us and drifted silently and slowly above us in a northeasterly direction.

Sail away, sail away, sail away.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

Two months ago this day my father-in-law was rushed to the emergency room of a local hospital suffering from excruciating leg pains. X-rays uncovered a mass at the base of his spine and a spot on one of his lungs. After testing he was diagnosed with stage four cancer which had metastasized from his lung and down his spine. Radiation treatment shrunk and killed the tumor relieving some of his pain but it also left a hole in his spine where the L5 vertebrae is which created other difficulties. He is in a rehabilitation facility now where they are trying to counteract the affect of the radiation treatment and the damage to his spine.

Under the unwritten rule that everything happens in threes, the week my father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer was also the week my sister, who lived in Ohio, moved to my town. That same week I got a call from my brother from somewhere outside of Tuscon, Arizona saying that he was on his way to my house from his home in San Diego, California. A couple of days earlier he had received news about his health which frightened him so much he got into his car and start driving. I was not too surprised when he called me since he has always found long distance driving relaxing and, as another one of my sisters pointed out, the drive gave him time to processing the information his doctor had given him.

It took a couple of weeks for the things concerning my brother and sister to work out. My sister  settled into the house I found for her and got a job.  She is extremely happy with both. My brother saw another doctor when he got back to San Diego and although he still has serious heath issues they are not as dire as the first doctor presented them.  He is doing a lot better emotionally.

My husband has spent six of the last eight weeks in Fort Collins with his father and I've spent three weeks up there myself. Balancing home live with trips up to Fort Collins has been tiring but it is extraordinary how fast the mind (at least mine) adapts to change. Taking things day by day helps. Life goes on.

Family Resemblance By My Sister Tara

Clockwise from top left- My sister Tara, my niece, me, my other sister and my niece's mother, my brother.

Say Goodbye To Truth, Justice, And The American Way.

Below you will find a video clip from last night's  Rachel Maddow's show that debunks the "Obama's trip to India will cost 200 million dollars a day" story and then goes on to discuss the disturbing trend of what Maddow calls the "alternate, self contained, right-wing media universe" willingness to repeat and disseminate what they know are lies. Maddow goes on to explain why this crazy stuff is so dangerous:

..."this is not just gullible people believing untrue things. There is a closed circuit super-funded conservative machine that not only funds this stuff but they reinforce it and fend off any ability to debunk this stuff. Things that would have been disprovable myths in times past, become conservative truths. They can't be dis-proven if you live in their closed circuit world. The other thing that's true is what happened Tuesday night. Politicians, a part of this media culture, the undebunkable faith-based fact horde is going to Washington and, as they get there, that becomes itself another means of validating these political convenient made-up things. They put the prestige of the U.S. government behind all this made-up stuff. Their new positions of power help to validate all of these otherwise totally disprovable things."

This segment is almost 20 minutes long but it is worth watching just to see some poor deluded man "prove" that Rachel Maddow is a lesbian vampire.

Although there is some humor in this craziness, it also shows just how despicable some people, politicians, and political parties really are at this point.

Today Is Both The Day Of The Dead And Election Day

Coincidence?

Happy All Hallows Eve

I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walkin' through the streets of Soho in the rain
He was lookin' for the place called Lee Ho Fooks
Gonna get a big dish of, beef chow mein.

Aaahoo, werewolves of London
Aaahoo
Aaahoo, werewolves of London
Aaahoo

Ya hear him howlin' around your kitchen door
Better not let him in
Little old lady got mutilated late last night
Werewolves of London again

Aaahoo, werewolves of London
Aaahoo
Aaahoo, werewolves of London
Aaahoo

(instrumental break)

He's the hairy, hairy gent,
Who ran amok in Kent.
Lately he's been overheard in Mayfair
You better stay away from him
He'll rip your lungs out, Jim
Huh, I'd like to meet his tailor

Aaahoo, werewolves of London
Aaahoo
Aaahoo, werewolves of London
Aaahoo

Well, I saw Lon Chaney walkin with the Queen
Doing the werewolves of London
I saw Lon Chaney Jr. walkin with the Queen
Doin' the werewolves of London
I saw a werewolf drinkin' a pina colada at Trader Vic's
His hair was perfect

Aaahoo, werewolves of London
Aaahoo, werewolves of London

Jon Stewart's Call To Political Reasonableness Rally

 Some of the signs you will be seeing:

Rally to restore sanity website here.

You've Got To Be Carefully Taught

A critical moment in history has come; our Republic is in jeopardy. Can we keep it? If the answer to that question, as I fear, is "no," then we have no one to blame but ourselves."
— Glenn Beck (Glenn Beck's Common Sense: The Case Against an Out-of-Control Government, Inspired by Thomas Paine, 2009)


The far-left loons and America haters who want us to lose in that country (Iraq) are vile and deserve nothing but scorn.
-Ann Coulter


While the form of treachery varies slightly from case to case, liberals always manage to take the position that most undermines American security.
-Ann Coulter


Guess what? Faisal Shahzad is a registered Democrat. I wonder if his SUV had an Obama sticker on it." --Rush Limbaugh, lying about the failed Times Square car bomber, who is not registered to vote, May 4, 2010


Paul Rand coordinator Tim Proffitt admits to stepping on woman from MoveOn.org before Kentucky debate, Los Angeles Times, October 26, 2010.


Tim Proffitt blames police and his bad back for his Kentucky stomp and wants victim to apologize to him, Los Angeles Times, October 27, 2010.


The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
-David Friedman


Hate and force cannot be in just part of the world without having an effect on the rest of it.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

When I Woke Up This Morning

you were on my mind.
We Five

Don't Fear Death

Don't fear death in earthly travels.
Don't fear enemies or friends.
Just listen to the words of prayers,
To pass the facets of the dreads.

Your death will come to you, and never
You shall be, else, a slave of life,
Just waiting for a dawn's favor,
From nights of poverty and strife.

She'll build with you a common law,
One will of the Eternal Reign.
And you are not condemned to slow
And everlasting deadly pain.
-Aleksandr Blok


Death Snips Proud Men

DEATH is stronger than all the governments because the governments are men and men die and then death laughs: Now you see ’em, now you don’t.

Death is stronger than all proud men and so death snips proud men on the nose, throws a pair of dice and says: Read ’em and weep.

Death sends a radiogram every day: When I want you I’ll drop in—and then one day he comes with a master-key and lets himself in and says: We’ll go now.

Death is a nurse mother with big arms: ’Twon’t hurt you at all; it’s your time now; you just need a long sleep, child; what have you had anyhow better than sleep?
Carl Sandburg 

Dancing In The Moonlight

The dogs and I did not get to our evening walk last night until after dark. We ended up dancing in the moonlight.

We get it, on most every night
When that old moon gets so big and bright
It's supernatural delight
Everybody was dancin' in the moonlight

Everybody, here is out of sight
They don't bark, and they don't bite
They keep things loose, they keep things light
Everybody was dancin' in the moonlight

Dancin' in the moonlight
Everybody's feelin' warm and right
It's such a fine and natural sight
Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight

We like our fun and we never fight
You can't dance and stay uptight
It's supernatural delight
Everybody was dancin' in the moonlight

Dancin' in the moonlight
Everybody's feelin' warm and right
It's such a fine and natural sight
Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight

[break]

Everybody, here is out of sight
They don't bark, and they don't bite
They keep things loose, they keep things light
Everybody was dancin' in the moonlight

Everybody
Dancin' in the moonlight
Everybody's feelin' warm and right
It's such a fine and natural sight
Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight

Dancin' in the moonlight
Everybody's feelin' warm and right
It's such a fine and natural sight
Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight

Everybody
Dancin' in the moonlight
Everybody's feelin' warm and right
It's such a fine and natural sight
Everybody's dancin' in the moonlight

GLAAD- Wear Purple Today

What is Spirit Day?

The idea behind Spirit Day, first created by teenager Brittany McMillan earlier this month, is a simple one, not dissimilar to the idea of "Spirit Week" held in many high schools, and can be summed up in three words: Everyone Rally Together.

Spirit Day honors the teenagers who had taken their own lives in recent weeks. But just as importantly, it's also a way to show the hundreds of thousands of LGBT youth who face the same pressures and bullying, that there is a vast community of people who support them.

Purple symbolizes 'spirit' on the rainbow flag, a symbol for LGBT Pride that was created by Gilbert Baker in 1978.

Wearing purple on October 20 is a simple way to show the world that you stand by these courageous young people and a simple way to stand UP to the bullies. Remember those lives we've tragically lost, and show your solidarity with those who are still fighting. 'Go Purple' today!
-GLAAD

Last Night I Dreamed I Was God

I was in a humongous Aztec stone arena surrounded by thousands of people waiting to hear what I had to say. It was kind of like being E F Hutton.

Kitchen Update- After

In no particular order:

(Hallway)

(Crown molding around ceiling.)

(Cabinet over refrigerator replaced with artwork.)

(Main cabinets with new sink and dishwasher.)

(Better view of upper cabinets.)

(Cabinet doors over peninsula are glass to allow light into main kitchen area.)

(Another view of hallway showing schoolhouse style light fixture and crown molding.)

(Northeast corner of kitchen.)

Kitchen Update- In Between

(Ceiling after drop ceiling removed and new lights fixture openings in place.)

(Hallway with drop ceiling gone and new electrical outlet for hall light.)

(Main cabinets gone.)

(New cabinets in and my husband working on plumbing.)

(New lights over stove and schoolhouse style light in main kitchen area.)

(New schoolhouse style light in hallway.)

Kitchen Update- Before

Here we go, photos of the old kitchen. I had more but I decided I wasn't going to torture you with too many photos. Remember, you can click on any photo to enlarge it.

(Northeast corner with stove and open shelving.)

(West wall with main cabinets, dropped ceiling, and florescent lighting.)

(Hallway to back stairs, dropped ceiling and old light fixture.)

(Cabinet above refrigerator.)

(Close-up of main cabinets, back splash, and old sink.)

Moon Over Main Street 2

FYI

The kitchen is officially done! Photos next week.

Breaking News: Scientists Think They Have Discovered The Reason Why Honey Bees Are Dying

(Photo by  Pokrajac)

Article at New York Times.

Moon Over Main Street

Two Moon Alley

Real moon upper right.

Life: What I've Learned So Far

In general, an impending death, family, and money do not mix. 

Quick Note

Busy, family visiting but I could not pass this up:

So...this place is only pretend closed?

Moon Over Masonic Building

Toddler's Rules

This is making the e-mail rounds:

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Humm, these also seem to be the rules for at least half the members of Congress.

Things I Truly Dislike

Banned Book Week, Sept. 25-Oct. 02 2010

Banning books. Below is a list of books that have been banned for reasons such as being too political, too sexual, irreligious, and my favorite category since it seems to be a catch-all for banning books for any reason other that the ones stated above, socially offensive:

Too Political

1. Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Harriet Beecher Stowe, 1852

2. All Quiet on the Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque, 1928

3. A Farewell to Arms, Ernest Hemingway, 1929

4. The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck, 1939

5. For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway, 1940

6. Animal Farm, George Orwell, 1945

7. 1984, George Orwell, 1949

8. Doctor Zhivago, Boris Pasternak, 1957

9. Slaughterhouse-Five, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., 1969

10. In the Spirit of Crazy Horse, Peter Matthiessen, 1983


Too Much Sex

1. Madame Bovary, Gustave Flaubert, 1856

2. Tess of the d’Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy, 1891

3. Ulysses, James Joyce, 1922

4. The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway, 1926

5. Lady Chatterley’s Lover, D.H. Law­rence, 1928

6. Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, 1934

7. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov, 1955

8. Peyton Place, Grace Metalious, 1956

9. Rabbit, Run, John Updike, 1960

10. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, Maya Angelou, 1969

11. Jaws, Peter Benchley, 1974

12. Forever, Judy Blume, 1975

13. The Prince of Tides, Pat Conroy, 1986

14. Beloved, Toni Morrison, 1987

15. How the García Girls Lost Their Accents, Julia Alvarez, 1991


Anti-religious

1. On the Origin of Species, Charles Darwin, 1859

2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy, J.R.R. Tolkien, 1954

3. The Last Temp­tation of Christ, Nikos Kazantzakis, 1960

4. Bless Me, Ultima, Rudolfo Anaya, 1972

5. Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling, 1997-2007


Socially Offensive

1. The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, Benjamin Franklin, 1791

2. The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne, 1850

3. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain, 1884

4. As I Lay Dying, William Faulkner, 1930

5. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley, 1932

6. Gone With the Wind, Margaret Mitchell, 1936

7. Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck, 1937

8. Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl, Anne Frank, 1947

9. The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger, 1951

10. Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury, 1953

11. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee, 1960

12. James and the Giant Peach, Roald Dahl, 1961

13. Catch-22, Joseph Heller, 1961

14. A Clockwork Orange, Anthony Burgess, 1962

15. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Ken Kesey, 1962

16. In Cold Blood, Truman Capote, 1966

17. Cujo, Stephen King, 1981

18. The Color Purple, Alice Walker, 1982

19. Ordinary People, Judith Guest, 1982

20. A Thousand Acres, Jane Smiley, 1991

Things I Truly Dislike

and their Stooges.

Things I Truly Dislike

Hatemongers...

Things I Truly Dislike

The wind. In a post last April, I wrote this poem about my dislike:

I do not like the wind, it's true,
I do not like it, how about you?
I do not like it when it roars,
I do not like it when it snores.
I do not like it bending trees,
I do not like it bending me.
I do not like it around my house,
I fear it more I do a mouse.
The way it rattles, rocks and rolls,
I feel it right down to my toes.
I do not like the wind, you see,
I wish the wind would let me be.

Things I Truly Dislike

Sand Burrs. They cling to my boots, my bootlaces, and my trouser hems. They get stuck on my jacket sleeves and on my gloves. They embed themselves in my dog's paws, in the fur on their legs, in the fur on their chests and in the fur on their ears. They also bury themselves into my fingertips when I try to remove them and, damn it, that hurts.